I find the blogging community so damn confusing. The cliques that seem so prevalent and so dominate. It is so hard not to get swept up in looking at stats, page hits and followers. It’s so hard not to get sucked into the drama that seems so rampant on twitter lately. This person attacking this person over this issue or this person jealous over a group chosen to be brand ambassadors. The pettiness and the cattiness is astonishing, especially since we are all grown women. Most of the time it renders me speechless and turns my stomach. I know for a fact that it forces me to censor myself and be cautious of sharing my thoughts and opinions – something that I rarely do in real life.
And, all that pettiness and the cattiness? It reminds me of high school. Yep. Those torturous locker filled halls, musty classrooms and the quest for popularity. Popularity that never came and was never achievable for some. Re-enforcement that that some of us will always and forever be the fats kids in the corner wearing dorky glasses, blending in with the walls. And, then, for some of us, there is that one time. The BIG name blogger tweets you back or sends you and email in response to your comment. And, you get all giddy and light headed. But, when the dust settles there you are again, back in your dark corner with nothing. In that brief moment you mistaken mutual admiration for nothing more than what was originally meant as politeness. And the feeling you are left with? You know, the one that sits in your stomach like a rock? Well, it mirrors that same one you had 15 years ago when the boy you liked asked you to a dance, only to find out it was really nothing more than a practical joke.
It has been over a year or more since I took main blog public. I started promoting it on Twitter and occasionally on Facebook. I really wasn’t sure where I wanted things to go. Heck, I am still unsure of the direction I want my blogs to take. I have met some fantastic people on-line. I have built an awesome support network of mom’s on twitter. I am looking forward to the day when I might have an opportunity to meet some of them in person. Community, love and support – that is what I really saw blogging to be about when I went public. Sadly, it didn’t take me long to realize that a lot of lip service is paid to spreading the love. There is a lot of talk about building community and support for each other. I get a lot of polite virtual smiles and knowing nods. And, of course, I have an internet history crammed full of un-returned emails, ignored twitter messages and craptastic stats.
So where does that leave me?
Well, some days it leaves me feeling dirty and ashamed to call myself a blogger. Then again, some days the blogging community leaves my spirit refreshed and inspired. And, so, I stop. I step back. I refocus myself. I remind myself WHY I blog. I don’t blog for awards, accolades and trips. I don’t blog for money or product. I blog for ME. And, when I need a gentle reminder of this, I dig through my archives, until I find the comfort I am seeking amongst the many pictures and odd phrases of my daughter. I let my old posts serve as a gentle reminder of who I am. And, there, deep in my internet pages, though all the static I start to hear MY little voice again. A little voice that brings happiness to me and happiness to my readers. And so, I move forward. I have found my focus. And, at the end of the day all that matters is that IF you happen across my blog is you hear my voice. Because, if you hear my voice, in my posts, then you hear me for who I am. And, that, that is all that matters. Its about ME being ME. It’s about blogging and living with a clean conscious so to speak.
So, ask yourself – What does your voice, whether BIG or small, in blog land say about you?
I am so glad you posted this. I have had thoughts this week about my post last week and how I really meant it to be a benchmark of where *I* am at RIGHT NOW. Because a lot of “the things I said I didn’t want to be or do” are part of many bloggers’ journeys (whether it’s right for them or not) and basically, whatever gets you to where you want to be, that is what matters most. I didn’t know how to express that appropriately in a blog post, and I honestly didn’t think of it that way until time has passed.
I think it’s absolutely possible to be a blogger and stay out of the drama- but you probably would need to go private or be super selective in social networks and commenting. It’s hard to have all of the best of the community part without some drama, especially with women. I do hope that whatever community you have found, you feel the support and friendship you are seeking. I’ve definitely learned over time where I’m not wanted or valued, and good riddance to those people- don’t need them in my life anyway.
Hugs to you tonight.
Steph
Very thoughtful post. Steph at Adventures in Babywearing and Heather at Extraordinary Ordinary both wrote about this topic about a week ago, and both really made me think about why I blog. And when it comes down to it, it’s because I need to write in order to find clarity. And I just love the people I’ve formed connections with. The friendships are so genuine that it doesn’t matter we’ve never met in person.
I agree, though, it’s so easy to get lost in the big blogger, small blogger thing.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. These are easy ones to convey. But you did it well. And I’m so glad I read so I could continue to ponder this.
Steph tweeted your post. i couldn’t have said it better myself.
I think we’ve all been there… i have. i comment on “popular” blogs, tweet them, email them and try to “make friends”. i remember getting a few tweets and emails way back when they first started getting popular… and i felt so giddy… i was one of 63 people that she was following on twitter… she had over 10,000 followers. i felt special, but it didn’t last. like you said, it was a quick glance and nod but then forgotten. and now, with over 20,000 followers, i could never get communication.
some “big” bloggers DO talk to their readers and share and make friends. and it’s awesome. but most don’t. personally, i am all about community and connecting with women.
so, i have decided, that i will read those blogs that i enjoy reading, whether they are popular or not. but i will not waste my time waving my arms in the air trying to get the attention of a few big bloggers in hopes to sit at the popular table at lunch. i will comment and connect and chat and tweet with those bloggers that want to connect and chat and tweet with me.
thanks for writing this…
Julia
Just wanted to say that posts like yours make me feel less crazy. Like, I’m not the only person who sees things this way. And that’s a great reason to blog – to connect with like-minded people. That’s what I’ve tried to do and it has served me well.
Ah, you hit it right on the nose.
Stinky gym socks and all. Thanks for putting it down in words.
fantastic post.
I’m so glad that Steph linked to this.
I try to just be me, whether I’m me writing about something or me writing about my kids or my photography or food or something that I’ve done. I hope to always be me and to always treat everyone the same and the same as I’d like to be treated.
I’m glad that you wrote this, I hope more people read it.
HI! I followed Steph’s tweet over here and just wanted to say I totally get it. I think most of us feel this same tension, the struggle not to get caught up in the drama or the big blogger/small blogger thing. I hate that it exists at all, but as Steph said, I suppose it’s inevitable. We all carry so many insecurities, and while blogging can give us a voice and confidence (beautiful thing) our insecurities like to rear their heads. I think that can be seen with not just someone feeling unsure about this whole thing (as I so often do) but also with someone who comes across like they’re really important or “more than” because they have a lot of readers or know so and so from such and such. That’s insecurity rearing it’s head big-time. At least that’s how I see it.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts so honestly. I love that.
I don’t know if I’ve just been lucky or my head has been in the clouds, but I haven’t been involved in any drama, and I’ve been blogging for nine years. I feel like I’m part of a great community and have been able to experience a lot thanks to my blogging without getting involved in the more unsavory side, and for that I’m thankful.
Stopping by b/c @ChambanaLaura did a RT and I lurve her and if she thinks it’s good enough for a RT, I read it.
Something must be ‘in the water’ lately. I blogged about something similar a week or so ago and prior to that another friend touched on this same topic too. What’s with the pettiness among women? I don’t know. Truly some people still mentally walk the halls of high school being the same jerky person they were back then.
Justin said it: What goes around, goes around, goes around, comes back around! Karma my friend. Karma.
Love this post. I try to read the blogs I want to read and comment when I want to comment. I try to blog for me, and whoever else would like to read it. I try to not get caught up in the giddiness when a “bog blogger” comments on my blog.
I try.
And I hear your voice.
And I meant “big blogger.” Not a “bog blogger.” Because I assume they blog about cranberries (you know, cranberry bogs…) and that, my friend, would be boring.
What a great post! I love your comparsion to high school. So true. I started blogging to share my crafts and now I blog to share my family memories. Thanks for reminding me of why I truly blog:)
This was wonderful and much needed.
(And if you’re wondering, I stole the link from HaBryerton when she reTweeted about this post on Twitter)
This is the reason I really don’t blog much anymore and I am hardly ever on twitter!! I found that my witty banter is not enough and since I am not a “pusher” of my blog no one really cares anyway! Isn’t just saying “look at me, look and think what I do is important”..and I also found people I know IRL being people they aren’t….so I am sticking to my friends that I can see and make those strong ties even stronger!! Thanks for making me feel not alone!!
Much of this has been going through my head A LOT lately. I have to look inside for what it is I really want to blog about and remind myself why I blog in the first place. Because from time-to-time, I get caught up on site hits, comments and pagerank…get lost on a track of who I think I should want to be or what I should be striving for. But when I step back, I remember who I am, what I love, how I feel and what I know…and that’s all I can write about. If I’m able to connect with people along the way, this is fabulous! Truly. I love to blog.