Unfortunately, I have to post this here and not on Rock and Drool. Because I don’t want to cause any turmoil in the precariously balanced dynamics of in-laws and family. And my husband made me promise. Sigh.
Bluntly put, my family and my husbands family suck. On so many levels.
Why, you ask?
You see, today was grandparents day at my son’s kindergarten. I’ve known about this little program for two weeks. I’ve been dreading it.
I didn’t ask my husbands parents because his mother made it very clear, long ago, that she wasn’t interested in her sons youngest child. My son. Our son.
I had to guilt MY mother into going. I had to plead with her, on behalf of my son, if she didn’t go, he would be the only one without grandparent representation.
She did come. But I had to stay there too. Because she “is a sick woman” and wouldn’t be able to handle being there if I wasn’t. It was ok though. I love being there with and for my children.
There is not one single grandparent that truly cares about this little boy.
It makes me so sad.
At the program, I watched children as they excitedly ran to their grandparents, flinging themselves in to open arms. I saw grandparents kvelling, hugging, kissing…interacting…with his schoolmates, their grandchildren. Both sides of the family grandparents getting along and being there for their grandchildren for the 2 hours this program lasted.
It hurt. It made me so angry. For my son.
Because when my mother got there. He barely noticed. Why would he? He hardly knows her. She has not been a pivotal figure in his growing up. Not the way she was for my two older kids.
None of his grandparents have EVER been there for him. Since birth.
I feel so sorry for him that he’ll never have the type of memories the four older kids have of their grandparents. Of the type of memories I have of MY grandparents. My favorite people. Some of my favorite memories.
It makes me so furious that my husbands family only does for the first two and for all his other siblings children. But for my youngest, a pat on the head when they see him and a pair of gloves and a scarf for his birthday. Sometimes guilt makes them spend a little more.
This little boy. Who is so loved by the people he lives with. Yet so ignored by the rest of the family.
I just hope beyond hope that one day, when he recognizes the difference in how he is treated compared with his siblings on his dads side. And when he recognizes that on my side, they are just hands off type grandparents…
I hope he realizes that it’s not him. That it is them.
And I hope that it takes that hurt and rejection away. Just a little bit.
Even though it’s everyone’s loss.
that’s so sad…i wanted to cry. what is wrong w them? whatever issues they have w you all should never be taken out on a child.
That’s awful. I never knew my grandparents well because my grandfathers lived very far away and my grandmothers died before I was born.
That sort of sucked. I was vaguely aware that other people had these cool fun grandparents and looked forward to weekend trips with them.
But even as a kid, I knew it was a circumstance beyond anyone’s control. It’s horrible that your son has grandparents that “could” be something special, and just decided not to be.
Absolutely breaks my heart… truly. If you all lived closer to me, I would so be his adopted gran. No child should be made to feel unwanted or unloved. Karma is a bitch.
I hear you, sister. Our parents all around suck, except my dad and he’s too far away. I actually campaign AGAINST grandparents day at our school. I dread it, it sucks, it makes all the kids with crappy grandparents or far away grandparents feel like shit.
My husband’s mother lives 45 minutes away and is so wrapped up in his sister’s kids (she calls them “my kids”) that there is no time for any other kids in her life. She makes no time.
My mom has basically told me she’s not really “into the kid thing”. Wasn’t when I was a kid and isn’t now.
My dad rocks, but is too far away for this sort of thing.
I actually had to pay my sister in law $600 to watch my kids for a week when a once in a lifetime trip presented itself last month because none of the grandparents could be bothered.
Bitter much? Yep. (whew, that felt good.)
I was your son. I had crappy grandparents on both sides. But ya know what… you never really miss what you never had. And it wasn’t really until college that I knew that they all sucked. To this day, I just don’t care. Both of my parents loved me 100 times over. They more than made up for the lack of grandparents. You will too.
And he’ll know it. And won’t miss out on a thing. Don’t you worry. 
He won’t be harmed in the least.
You know how I feel on this, my in-laws basically disowned me because I called them out on the same behavior. That they care for (raise) and watch the BIL’s kids but NEVER take time to come visit my kids, their YOUNGEST son’s children. But whatever, their loss, not mine. One day my children will know the same. It was not them, they are greatly loved, cherished and adored, their g-rents just couldn’t get their heads out of their arses to spend time with them
I know how you feel. My husbands parents are a disgrace as grandparents. They have seen our children a handful of times. NEVER even meant their only grandson. It’s not like they are sick or don’t have money to come see them. They are only in their 50′s and are loaded. They just don’t care. It not like that with my husband sister’s child. They dote on her. It makes me so angry and sad because my kids know it. They feel it. I had the greatest grandparents. My kids at least have my parents who try make up for the losers that are my in laws.
I am so sorry for you and for your son. Personally, I would’ve posted that for them to see or emailed directly to them. Their guilt is deserved in my opinion…
Good luck and well, all I got is good luck. Good luck dealing with it for yourself and good luck helping your son deal with it when he notices (cause he will notice).
It must be an epidemic because my in-laws are the same way, and sadly my parents live across the country. It amazes me that the grandparents that live so far away make an effort(my parents), but the ones that are right here just don’t seem to care or never make time. The father-in-law has only seen the kids 3 times in their lives -_-.
That just sucks on so many levels. But you’re so right…they’re the ones missing out.
I just don’t understand how people can deny their grandchildren. My parents are AMAZING grandparents – they go above and beyond with everything. They spoil them rotten at every occasion, and ask to spend as much time with them as possible. My In-Laws are the exact opposite. They avoid birthday parties, travel when they know that they may need to be somehow involved with their grandchildren, and its just disgusting I think. You can tell the difference with my children as well. They run like crazy to my parents, love being with them and spending time with them, and cry when its time to go home. I’m just grateful that they have one pair of grandparents that they can have memories with. I’m so sorry your son doesn’t.
I can relate to this on many levels. I’ll never understand how grandparents can play favorites so obviously, or be so distant. I hope they don’t go so far as to utter the ultimate passive-aggressive manipulation: I NEVER get to see my grandchildren. What they mean is: I don’t get to see them on my terms.
I’m crying, I live in a different country and my parents are horrible people and haven’t spoken to me in 5 years or so not that I care,but it hurts me that my 19 month old and my new born will never know anyone from my family. Their own grandmother doesn’t even care enough to talk to her only daughter and ask for pictures even(not that she would get any ) still she doesn’t even want to see what they look like .
My dh parents are divorced and both remarried so thats a sticky situation too !
That is absolutely awful. And honestly, if i were you I would probably stop all contact between you, your child and the not-so-grandparents. explain to your child that they are simply not very nice people, and don’t deserve your time or interest. Make it obvious to your son that none of the problem lies with him, and that you are just protecting him from people who might hurt him because of their own selfish, nasty personalities. Kids grow up with grandparents who have died, and they turn out fine, albeit perhaps missing a little of the experiences that can be so nice with good grandparents. But I think it is better to simply cut them out of your child’s life completely so that he grows up without them, than to continue exposing him to their lack of affection. I don’t see how it would be possible to avoid heartbreak for him if you continue to let him see how disinterested they are. And sit down with those lousy excuses for humans and explain that until they can bring themselves to treat all of their grandchildren equally with respect and love, they cannot be around them. the follow throug – don’t see them, don’t accept gifts from them, nd don’t worry about the loss. you are better off without people like tha tin your life, and perhpas it will show them just what they are missing by being such assholes.
btw – I am an only child so the grandchildren tally in this family is limited. So we have plenty of room for more love if you need some surrogate grandparents. sorry we don’t live closer
You’re right. They suck. Hardcore. And the very sad thing is that because they are so blind to reality, they are losing out on getting to know that precious little boy.
When he does notice, finally, make sure you tell him exactly what you’re telling us: it’s not him. It’s them.
And that you love him so much it makes your heart hurt.
In many ways, the same set of parents who can be so kind and loving in my family are also so incredibly toxic that the Boss and I made a conscious choice to limit the amount of time that our children interact with them. That means that our children do not know one set of grandparents as well as we would like them to, but in long run, the children will be better for it. We can explain it to them when they are older, and they can make a decision as to whether or not we acted appropriately. Until then, we are the parents and it is our decision. No grandparents is better than toxic grandparents. It’s cheaper, too. No therapy bills.
That is so so sad … My child sits in stark contrast to your little boy and it makes me want to vomit that adults would treat a baby this way (I consider all children “babies” — whether they’re in diapers or reciting Sylvia Plath by memory) …
My son’s grandparents love him EVER so much it begs the question are they going to burst!? they’re so filled with emotion for him.
I hope some poetic justice comes around soon and that he doesn’t feel their blatant disregard for him.
Ok I’m the last of 13 siblings – 1949 – 1964. My parents did whatever was best for them. We never talked about anyting important – school, future, interests, how to respect eachother etc etc. Nine boys and 5 girls – 2 boys died young one sister took her life at 38. Till this day no one gives a damn about eachother. I’m number 13 of this bunch and after I was potty trained I was on my own – most of all no emotional support – my childhood consisted of go outside to play or get verbally abused by siblings. Not just me we were all told to get the one back who hurt you physically. Emotional stability and guidance was not a part of my life. Now they are in their late 80s and wonder why no one cares about them. Even after a terrible childhood I stuck around and helped them through a lot of medical issues. No one else would. Seven years ago I left them. They have proved over and over that their needs have always come first and I’m done! Don’t expect me at either funeral. I became unemployed 09\2008 – they could give a shit. Just like back in the day I’m alone. Forget the 6 brothers and 3 sisters still here. They got the same as me – no guidance – as long as we showed up for school all was good for them. So when anyone had trouble they were told to drop out! Two out of 11 graduated high school – everyone is struggling – wonder if it would have been different if they actually gave a shit. O and Dad was the one to order dropouts! Thanks pop
Ok I’m the last of 13 siblings – 1949 – 1964. My parents did whatever was best for them. We never talked about anyting important – school, future, interests, how to respect eachother etc etc nine boys and 5 girls – 2 boys died young one sister took her life at 38. Till this day no one gives a damn about eachother. I’m number 13 of this bunch and after I was potty trained I was on my own – most of all no emotional support – my childhood consisted of go outside to play or get verbally abused by siblings. Not just me we were all told to get the one back who hurt you physically. Emotional stability and guidance was not a part of my life Now they are in their late 80s and wonder why no one cares about them. Even after a terrible childhood I stuck around and helped them through a lot of medical issues. No one else would. Seven years ago I left them. They have proved over and over that their needs have always come first and I’m done! Don’t expect me at either funeral. I became unemployed 09\2008 – they could give a shit. Just like back in the day I’m alone. Forget the 6 brothers and 3 sisters still here. They got the same as me – no guidance – as long as we showed up for school all was good for them. So when anyone had trouble they were told to drop out! Two out of 11 graduated high school – everyone is struggling – wonder if it would have been different if they actually gave a shit. O and Dad was the one to order dropouts! Thanks pop
I’m so glad Im not the only one. My mother actually just told me that we couldnt come over for dinner tomorrow night with the kids because her maid would have just been there. Are you serious? These are her grandchildren!! Who cares if the house gets messy!
My husband and I have agreed to lower ALL expections we had of our parents.
My husband’s parents totally suck. They refuse to come to visit out child, but will drop everything to do anything for my SIL’s children. My MIL has even stated that she feels bad about refusing to come and see my baby when she has done so much for my SIL, but that still doesn’t stop her from saying no and not coming. I hate them. HATE THEM. I know that’s a terrible thing to say and I’m not supposed to have hatred in my heart towards anyone, but for them to be so callous toward their own grandchild and to treat her like she is somehow less than their other two grandchildren makes me want to punch them both in the face. Okay, I really needed to get that off my chest. Guess that’s why I googled “my child’s grandparent’s suck” and found this blog entry. So thanks for giving me the opportunity to vent.
A shame to see how grandparents don’t care. I lost my grandbaby 8 days ago. He was stillborn at 31 weeks of age. I helped my daughter give birth to my angel grandbaby. All that matters to me is my family. I would give up everything even my own life so that my daughter could have her son back. It’s a shame how grandparents take for granted their grandkids. I would do anything to have mine.
So sorry, you have no control over it. I think there’s more uninterested grandparents than there are interested grandparents. I have it too. My husbands parents are dirt balls, they only were somewhat interested in the first grandkid (niece) there is no interest, I have a 13 year old and 7 year old twins. No birthday cards, no Christmas, not even an interest. Haven’t seen them in 3 years, live 10 minutes away. They are miserable people, terrible parents and surprise miserable grandparents. My parents live 3 hours away and show no interest either. They can vacation all over the place, not too tired or old for their fun but can not come to see my kids. I could go on and on. I believe as long as a child has parents that love and dote on them that’s what really counts and I promise to be a good grandparent when they have kids.
Please join us at http://www.terriblegrandparents.blogspot.com to share more grandparenting horror stories! We need to get the word out that not all grandparents are good!